| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2006|07:47 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | system of a down | ] |
oh hey guess what I'm fucking back again. This is Hell, only worse because this is real. It's really happening, and there's nothing I can do about it but filter. My parents are so remedial. I'm an embarrasment in my own right. I wish I could blame my weight...my little cousins just came in. I kind of hate little people. BUT THEY'RE SO FUCKING CUTE!
Suicide really is a beautiful option. Truely, it's a gift to be at that place. Embrace it. I'm not there yet, but I'm certainly close. I hope someone in the world is killing themself-a dead corpse is beauty. An emaciated body is beauty. Weight, happiness, flesh, that's all filler; so don't kid yourselfves. You are, ugly
you fucking cunt
worthless
fill the 'void' by being
empty
execpt for
mind satiating drink
and
hot
passionate
sex
and if you are still not happy
kill yourself. I'm serious, I wish more people would take their life. There isn't a God anyway, yea we're in harmoney with nature(we are nature!) But that doesn't automatically denate a value system. I hope I never eat again, dare I be imoortal too |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2006|05:21 pm] |
fuck me. rules don't mean anything if you don't commit. And you can only commit if you mean it enough. So even though I ate without abandon, seriously once I start I can't stop, the guilt pours over me. And there's nothing I can do. It's done. The calories are already settling against the flesh of my body. It has no choice but to expand and I'm having a panic attack.
I try to find cocaine.
can't
I want to work out but, run, cut my stomach and sides off but
I have to look good for a party tonight
where
of course
there will be drinks and alcohol is soooo caloric....
I'll be miserable if I don't drink, miserable if I do
And either way I've already eaten so much, the worst punishment is provided by my own concious which reminds me there's no way I can take what I did back.
So I just have to make up for it.
I am always
making up for it
fuck me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2006|11:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
I am so upset. I just weighed myself and I'm 115lb. My goal is at least for this week 110lb. I'm starting a basic fast tomorrow. It seems like no matter how low my wieght is my stomach still protrudes. I think it's my fault for working on it so now it's just muscle but I hate it! But if I don't work on it then it's flabby...Girls that weigh more than me have a flatter stomach. I can't figure it out. I can't beleive my dairy intake lately, I think that's what caused me to gain all this weight. I hope I don't fuck up again. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2006|11:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
Yea so I have some rules I need to follow
limit carbs as much as possible-no pasta or bread
only fat free yogurt, only skim milk
no cheese.
only diet pop
exercise somehow...I'm so heavy
only one meal and snaking
idea for monday:
fruit in the morning
water, go to the library
soup later I will be made to eat
Tues.
fruit
water
veggies
I CAN/MUST do this
--as for saturday and sunday? take diet pills so nothing is eaten |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2006|10:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  irritated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | fugazi | ] |
Is there anything I can mix with whiskey besides pop that isn't disgusting? I drink a lot and am seriously just feeling bloated and since I don't drink pepsi normally I don't even enjoy that I have to mix it with that but I don't know what else to use...yea you can drink it straight but if you're in for a long night of visiting it's nice to just have a few drinks to sip on. Also does anyone know about any home-conducted cleansers I could do---maybe that would be a good thing to do the morning after partying.
thanks |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2006|09:53 pm] |
okay I can't help it-this may be turning into somewhere where I rant about food. Well, carbs are evil. They're such a comfort thing...before I know it I'm eating doughy bread with mustard, only mustard. Like what the fuck! (okay I've done that before with other condiments) But really...and it sucks because I seriously felt great before I started that...basically went down hill with eating like that all day. And the deal is that I'm also a drinker, not every night but I certainly don't pass on an oppurtunity. So, of course alcohol is just sugar...and whiskey only mixes with pop...and according to my bf diet-pepsi is just not going to be allowed because of how bad it is for you. Initial reaction: aww, sweet he doesn't want me to get cancer...2nd reaction: wait, I CAN'T drink regular-such a riduculous amount of calories...and of course I ate like shit today so I can't at least feel good about that. It sounds pathetic but I seriously feel like I'm facing a dilema. Either way I have a good feeling about tomorrow. Seriously it's not that hard to avoid certain things...one just has to have enough eviction...not be a whiny bitch and put hid/her foot down!!!- (message to self) Wait, do I have a life? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2006|05:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | elliot smith | ] |
Wonderful...another day. As this man I know said, "you ask me how I'm doing? I wake up in the morning and think 'why?'" (funnier in his voice, I swear). So anyway, It's freaking early here, I went to bed late but I can't get back to sleep. I want to talk about my food issues, unfortunatly, and I don't want any wandering soul reading this to have to endure riduculous ranting.
not everyone is ana...i know, I know!...right
anyways,
I love making love. People don't do it enough. It doesn't 'fix' or 'cure' anything substantially, but it's certainly an experience to be had...unless one is married to God. Wonder how big his...
ciao! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 29th, 2006|01:25 pm] |
I just started this journal today and am actually really excited. I could really use the support of a pro-anorexic community. I'm a female eighteen year old at 5'6 with c-cup breasts. My lowest weight was 91 but now I weigh 110lb. I feel disgusting so am starting a regime this week to at least get to 105-and see where I go from there. I've learned a lot about myself through being open and honest about anorexia. After being threatened with treatment at my lowest weight I took it upon mysetolf to gain...approaching it as a disorder. I'm glad I did that just because I think it strengthened my understanding of why it means so much to me..to be thin..and now I can appreciate that thin is how I want to be! Anyone who wants to talk please comment to me so I can get ahold of you. I feel so disgusting right now and can't wait to have that 'light' feeling. Kate moss is my image of inspiration.
Love! |
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goldielocks18's journal